I am such a child

 What you are about to read is an act of total immaturity committed by yours truly and you are totally free to say so without fear or condemnation because I totally acknowledge that it is.

I had a feeling of dread about today before it had even started. I don’t know why but I should have trusted my instincts and bailed. In some parts of France, there is a film festival going on, where you can watch films for a third of the price. So I decided to take full advantage of this and spend my whole day watching films at the cinema. Sounds like a fun day, right? Well it wasn’t.Decided to make a girlie day out of it. I planned the event with Friend1 and invited Friend2 along. The two friends have never met but I thought we will all get on fine. Friend2 couldn’t make it for the first film but joined us for the second film. Oh an important detail is that Friend1 doesn’t speak very good English, so I actually have to really work on my French with her. Friend2 speaks great English, so I have it easy, but I have to admit that I enjoy Friend1’s company more. Anyway back at the ranch, Friend2 joins us in time for the second film and luckily she got on well with Friend1.

Ok this is where my immaturity comes in. They got on too well. Off they go chatting away in very fast French, I was invisible. We went into the second film and Friend2 tells me that she is going with Friend1 to see a film that has just been previewed on the screen 20 seconds earlier and I was invited to come along with them if I wanted. Huh, WTF??? How big of you, you met 20 minutes ago and now you guys are now bosom bodies, and I was invited if I wanted. I started burning like a furnace inside. As I write this I feel even more ridiculous for my reaction but I couldn’t help myself. Then to add salt to injury, throughout the film Friend2 was leaning over to Friend1 and there were sharing mutual cinematic reactions. With appropriate gasps of ‘putain’ and ‘merde’. Friend2 was in the middle and she didn’t acknowledge me once. Again I was ashamed to admit that I was quite upset. As much as I tried to hide it, I couldn’t. Unfortunately I am not one of those people that are good at hiding their emotions. I was clearly pissed off but when asked what the problem was, I used that old trusted excuse of monthly pains. I wasn’t entirely dishonest but the pain that I was feeling was 10x more than any of that. Then we had a bit of a lunch break before the last film. Friend2 was all over Friend1, I felt like such an outsider. My little petulant voice inside was saying well they can have each other. I just couldn’t get home fast enough.

I mean I wanted them to get along, of course I did, but I wanted us all to get along. I felt sidelined and I was upset by this. I am pissed off with myself for caring so much about this, and also for not pretending that all was fine by smiling and just being chatty. I feel embarrassed at my behaviour and I wish I had more control of my emotions. I am too old to be behaving like this. You can’t control people, and I know that. But I just can’t help these feelings and I hate myself for feeling this way. Okay this next bit is going to tip the immaturity scales over………..