Little Miss Awkward

I just can’t help it!!

First day back and in trouble already

comp.jpg I have never had any problems accessing this blog from work until now. It seems my ‘How ridiculous’ post contains words that make this site non-viewable from my work terminal. We are only allowed access to sites that are deemed acceptable like bbc news and google. Today was bored as hell, decided to update blog and I receive an error message stating:

Access to this site was blocked by the rule ‘Block Pornography’
Your attempt to access this site has been recorded.

Crikey, now I am absolutely bricking it, because I know that big brother might soon be alerting my boss to this indiscretion, which will inevitably lead to a ‘Can I see you in my office’ moment. This has happened to colleagues of mine who have been brought into their bosses office and been given a thorough telling off and even a written warning. What worries me the most is that they are going to inform my boss what site I was trying to access, therefore exposing my secret world to my colleagues who I have mentioned in previous posts. This is bad, real bad. Although I don’t have my name and picture on the site, the characters I talk about are easily recognisable.

There is something rather comforting about the anonymity of having a blog, you put your thoughts out there to total strangers and you get to read their thoughts, if other people don’t like what you say and vice versa, you can walk away without any repercussions. Therefore there is that level of honesty you can have that you might not be able to share with your nearest and dearest. No one knows I have a blog and that is just the way I like it, it’s my dirty little secret 🙂 and is the place where I can put my other dirty little secrets (if I did have any, which unfortunately I don’t)

I trott over the dark abyss otherwise known as the computer boys, I went to see what the score is using the worst guise ever. I went with the  ‘a friend of mine has this problem’ approach, which of course they did not believe for one second. Those guys are smart, they are not the computer guys for nothing but in this instant they were as useful as a chocolate teapot. After five minutes of sitting there starring at me with silly smirks on their faces, as I narrated my tall tale, another ten minutes of getting ‘that was very silly of you’ and ‘ooh you really didn’t want to do that’ quips and another ten minutes teasing me about looking at nudie sites and yes they used the word ‘nudie’. I did not get the usual help that I had come to expect from my boys.

I love the computer guys, they have gotten me out of scraps, and a decent group of boys who are always happy and fun to talk to, that is apart from the time I made the mistake of calling them nerds-that almost ended a beautiful partnership!!! However with all the fondness I have for them, today in my time of need they behaved like little infantile bastards. They laughed me out of their office telling me they couldn’t fix this for me, as this was above their heads but they advised me to stay away from naughty sites in the future – yes they also used the word ‘naughty’. They could have told me this five minutes after I walked into their office but oh no, they toyed with me – bloody nerds!!!

Anyway now I am wishing and praying hard that my computer misdemeanor flies under the radar of the computer police as I know there is no way that I can talk myself out of this one. Yikes!!!

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December 27, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Work | 5 Comments

Neighbours From Hell

beer.jpg Woke up this morning feeling cranky and annoyed, well what else would I be feeling after a restless night being disturbed by the constant banging and drama coming from my neighbour’s flat.

My neighbour Mark* is an alcoholic, not your run-off-the-mill alcoholic but the ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ kind of alcoholic. He moved in after I did, and from the very second he did, my hell began. The problem is not so much him but his friends, because not surprisingly they are also alcoholics (I guess it is no fun drinking yourself into a stupor alone). They come to visit and when they find he is not in (or refusing to answer the door) after twenty minutes of aggressive knocking, they kick his door down or smash his windows. I find leaving a note saying ‘sorry i’ve missed you’ tends to be more effective. I guess there are determined to get in by any means necessary.

The other day I came across him and his drunken girlfriend having a row. It was classic car crash, you shouldn’t look but you do. From previous conversations with him, she is the main perpertrator of all the criminal damage done to his home. Apparently she threathened and bullied him into becoming her boyfriend. This I do believe as she gives a convincing impression of someone who could do inflict some serious harm. She is built like a shit-brick house, has prison-esque tattooes, a voice deeper than my old man’s and walks like John Wayne. Seeing them together is like a marriage made in warped heaven. She yelling at him ‘wot ave I told ya befor you farkin wank-ah, git over ere nah’, him drunk as a skunk staggering behind her with dried blood on his head and shirt. ‘I told ya lev me alone’, he replies bravely. I asked if he needs an ambulance, she steps in cool as a cucumber and says, ‘nah luv, he don’t need an ambulance, he is jus being a twat’ as she screams at him ‘oi get off the floor, it’s dir ee’. As I walked away she gives me a wide toothless grin and thanks me for my concern and calls me a good girl. I smile gamely with all the appreciation I could muster and walked off. Who said romance was dead?

Two days ago, while having one of our surreal neighbourly chats, out of nowhere he discloses, ‘my youngest lad is banged up in prison for murder, u no he is doing a sixteen year stretch’. I stand there looking at him as I absorb this piece of unwanted information, trying to find the right set of words that will be suitable for this moment, all I could think as I looked at him was ‘Is he cross-eyed or is he just trying really hard to work out which of the four images of me he can see is the real one?‘ Snapped back into the conversation and with the same nonchalant way he told me off his murdering son, all I could say was ‘oh dear, that’s not good is it?‘ No he is definitely cross-eyed. I mean what else could I say, he said it like he was ordering a number 4 value meal from Mickey D’s. Although not sure I am happy with my cross-eyed conclusion, as he does appear to be unsteady on his feet. I guess this would have to be one of those is-he-or-isn’t-he conundrums. His news didn’t panic me in the slightest as the relevant part was that his lad was in jail. In my view I can deal with a drunken neighbour but a murderer on the loose is a whole different thing. Made the mistake of telling my sister, who then dispersed some quality advice, ‘make sure you lock all your windows and doors’. Pure genius!!

Usually the delightful escapades of my neighbours do not give me cause for alarm. But in the next three months, I have to rent out my flat and my conscience is niggling at me. I will be unleashing this freak show to some poor unsuspecting tenant. I can cope with drunken neighbours, pot dealing/smoking teenagers, impromptu visits from The Old Bill, and snarling psychotic dogs, looking at me like they want a piece of me-literally, but how can I expect someone else to?

December 20, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Uncategorized | 2 Comments

How Ridiculous..

pageant-queen.jpg Have a look at this. I just can’t over the hilarity of this situation, reading the papers this morning I couldn’t believe the who-ha over Miss USA possibly being stripped of her title because of underage drinking and possible lesbian tendencies. Two things here a) most states in the US have this draconian over 21 drinks policy and I know the law is the law but she is 20 and not some snotty nosed 10 yr old b) getting physical with another girl is not exactly the crime of the century.  She is not the first girl that has brought ‘scandal’ to the whole beauty pageant business. Let’s not pretend that these pageants are anything more than a beauty contest. I mean what has parading around in a bikini with a smile that could illuminate a small developing village have anything to do with trying to bring about world peace and helping dying children. The whole pageant business is a farce anyway, exactly what purpose does it serve. I am not speaking as some kind of feminists, I just don’t get it. In my view it is just an opportunity for rich dirty old men to choose their next ex-wife.

Look at Vanessa Williams, she was stripped of her title because of provocative pictures, in my view that was the best thing she ever did, she got a career out of it at the end of the day. Otherwise she would have become some forgettable pretty face married to some rich dude.   The thing that really pisses me off about the Tara Conner situation is the fact that she had to have a ‘crisis’ meeting with Donald Trump, who then wielded the hand of God and gave her another chance. Donald ‘Frigging’ Trump, how could someone with hair like that and a face like a smacked arse be the one to determine someone’s career, there is absolutely no justice in the world! All the money in the world  can’t buy you hair, can it Trumpy?

Besides these girls enter the competition as a stepping stone to money and fame, all power to them, so why is it any surprise they can go a bit ‘off the rails’? Miss Great Britain UK was stripped of her title this year because she decided to cash in by posing for playboy. She is not dumb, she knows a few hours spent being photographed getting her tits out for the lads on some tropical island will be less work and more profitable than being flown around the world smiling like a deranged mental health patient sans medication, and pretending to give a shit about poverty. 

If I were Conner, I would have told the Trump master where to get off and then spread them for playboy 🙂 Saying that Trump seems like a ‘ you will never work in this town again’  kinda guy and I guess unless she wanted to end up doing porn movies with animals or worse Ron Jeremy. She did the smart thing by getting down on her knees begging for forgiveness while gagging on a mouthful of Trump Juice.

December 19, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Rant | 5 Comments

Being a coward..

red-cross.jpg Today I did something that I have been putting off for a while. A distant uncle is in hospital, he had severe stroke and is unable to be speak, or move and is unlikely that he will recover.  The frustrating thing about it is that he brain works but he is unable to communicate. The only way he can is by blinking answers to yes or no questions. Whenever I go see him, I fell totally useless, I don’t know what to say to him. I am just in awe of his wife and kids, they visit him every day without fail, talk to him, makes sure his favourite program is switched on. Their dedication is phenomenal. I watch as they effortlessy say and do the right thing. The rare times that I go see him, I can’t wait to leave. I feel like such a bad person but when there I really don’t know what to do.

I am in the habit of running away from difficult situations, I just don’t know how to handle it. You know when guys are accused of not knowing when to say the right things, I sympathise, because women are seen as these pillars of strength that are able to deal with anything that is thrown their away but I am not like that. I hide a lot behind the being female thing because when someone is hurt or in pain, I automatically go physical, I hug, cuddle, hold hands anything but when it comes to offering words of comfort I clam up. I feel whatever comes out of my mouth is going to sound so cliche and meaningless therefore I dont bother. 

 The other day at the tube station there was a blind man with a stick who got off my stop. I have seen him before and he is very proficient at getting on tubes, getting off at his stop etc but he does need help being directed towards the stairs.  So I saw him at the platform, for a minute I was trying to figure out how to approach him to offer him assistance. Do I say ‘may I help you’, ‘do you need help?’ ‘ are you ok?’  ‘Is there something I can do’, I was so caught up trying to say the right thing, as I did not want to patronise him.  While I was busy working out my approach some other citizen just flung by and said ‘the stairs are this way’ offered her hand and led him in the right direction? Why didn’t I just do that, why did I make such a big deal out of it?

December 17, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Family | 3 Comments

Get a room, purrlease!!

kisses.jpg On the train this morning a couple opposite me really put me off my breakfast. They were having a full on pash, in full view of all ‘n’ sundry. It was not just a snog, this was way beyond that, they were slobbering over each other. It was like a meeting of two octopus’, hands everywhere.  They also made those slurpy noises, it was a saliva fest.  I must have looked like a goldfish with my mouth opening and shutting, could not believe what I was seeing and hearing. Fine I get it, you are into each other but exercise some restraint. 

Don’t get me wrong I am not averse to public displays of affection (pda) – within reason that it is. I think it is sweet when i see couples hold hands or peck each other but there are some acts that do not need to be shared with the great british commuting public. This was embarrasing to watch, I felt like I was watching a pre cursor to a porno with a large group of people. Obviously you must have a bit of an exhibitionist streak to do stuff like that, which I guess I don’t have.This couple seemed to enjoy the shock value of their actions because when the saw the combined expressions of shock, horror, laughter and embarrassment on people’s faces they raised the ante.  I am almost positive that Mr Man had a hard-on (please don’t ask me what my eyes were doing there 🙂 it was bloody obvious) .

My friend sitting next to me said ‘oh i bet they have great sex’ and my thoughts were, ‘so what does that mean the whole world has to get a sample of it’?  My opinion is nothing is sexier than building up that tension, even when you want that person there and then, you have to hold back and by the time you get indoors the fireworks is sooo ready to be let off 😉

December 15, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Rant, Romance | 2 Comments

Thank God for Sushi!!

sushi.jpg Raw fish and rice. How could two simple things get my whole being worryingly excited? It was love at first bite. From the very first time I had the stuff, I became addicted, and if loving it is so wrong, I don’t want to be right.  I think if i was given the choice sex or sushi, it would definitely have me in a quandry. That is how much I love it.

Today I gave into temptation and had some of the good stuff and although it is very healthy, the carb content does not work with my ‘health regime’. I have been fairly disiplined with things and staying away from white foods i.e bread, flour, sugar, pasta e.t.c but today I could not contain it any longer. However I am regretting it because as soon as I ate it, I just wanted to have a snooze and couldn’t move. It kind of brought it home to me that white foods don’t work with me!! The thought of abstaining from my beloved sushi is somewhat distressing, however no pain no gain. Tonight I bid farewell to my beloved sushi (cue violin music).

I have to get rid of 3 stones and it is going to take serious dedication and sacrifice but determination, determination, determination.  Need to shift these pounds before France. Any good tips are welcome!!

December 14, 2006 Posted by | Battle of the Bulge, Blogroll | 6 Comments

Why do I feel so uneasy? (Update)

office-slut.jpg Need to clarify that my boss and other two colleagues were with me last night. My relationship with my female boss is sometimes very strained (she is a topic for a totally new post). I guess she is my main point of worry for a variety of reasons a) she is not my biggest fan b) she works very closely with Martin’s boss c) she is friends with a lot of gossipy women that work in Martin’s department.

Then the other issue is my other female colleague who I usually get along with seemed to be a bit put out by last night’s scenario. There is this unspoken thing that she is the office hottie and does get an enormous amount of male attention from the opposite sex. The only guy we have working in our team of four women literally hangs on her every word (again another post) and I think she was a bit miffed that Martin did not acknowledge her. I don’t think that she has any designs on Martin but she likes feeling desired by men. To be fair most women do but there are some that really desperately need that validation from men and she is somewhat like that. It appears that she is baffled that he likes me and not fawning over her like a lot of guys do. This I find really insulting because I am far from hideous thank you very much and I know that I definitely push quite a few mens’ buttons 🙂 Different strokes for different folks and all that. Anyway she was like a bear with a sore head last night and this morning. 

Well got into work today, feeling awkward as hell (awkward by name awkward by nature 🙂 ) You know that feeling you get when you walk into a room and know that there is something in the air. Like a well trained hound dog, I could sniff the disapproval in the air. We decided to have a team breakfast because we were tired and some were nursing a hangover. So a greasy, high saturated breakfast was in order. We were dissecting the events of the night before and talked about everything but the ‘me and Martin’ situation, which rang alarm bells for me. Reason being that it was literally the most interesting thing that had happened that night, so the fact that it was never mentioned, it did kind of confirm my fears. They obviously thought there was a situation or else they would have made light of the situation or teased me about it but nobody said a word. I thought of bringing it up myself but since no one else had said anything it would make me look even more guilty. Besides if they want they want to portray me as some sort of brazen hussy or wanton heathen, that’s ok- I can live with that.

Did not get to read the responses from my previous post till after work but after speaking to a friend about it it, like shewalksinbeauty suggested, she felt that I should have given them something to really talk about. The cheeky minx even said it made me seem more exciting than I probably really am 🙂 Therefore I fully intend to wear my new ‘slut badge’ with pride. It is not the dark ages, where such behaviour would result in me being stoned to death or thrown into a lake weighed down with rocks to see if I would float back to the top.  Besides nothing can be done about it now, the ‘non’ damage has been done. No point crying over spilled reputations. Roll on March 2007!!!!!!!!!!

December 13, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Romance, Work | 13 Comments

Why do I feel so uneasy?

pool.jpg Went out after work with my colleagues for drinks and a game of pool with another group of people from a company we work closely with.  To make up our team we invited a guy from our company who doesn’t work with us but we do work on a lot of projects together.

A brief history about this guy before I go on. Martin* is in his mid 40s and we have always had a very flirty/jokey kind of relationship, nothing more. We never communicate outside work or email each other. It is purely a work thing. Martin has a teenage son and is going through a divorce.

Back to this evening, the two teams were playing pool and despite being a crap player, I did pretty well. However whenever I potted a ball Martin would be very congratulatory and very huggy and kissy to me. To be honest I think he has a thing for me but has never pursued it. However I noticed that while I was getting this attention, my other colleagues were obviously very aware of this and they would exchange glances and looks at each other when he hugged me e.t.c After our company thrashed the other group at pool, we moved over to the bar and Martin came and sat next to me, his arms around me, talking to me, which of course everyone saw. At this point I feel a bit uncomfortable because I am aware of what this looks like, I resorted to smoking umpteen cigarettes just to get him to move to a chair opposite – as he doesn’t smoke.

What worries me is although I admire from afar, I don’t think I would indulge in some office affair. There was a phrase that chitty used about not having office affairs ‘don’t screw the crew’- I agree with that. Knowing the sort of work environment that I am in, it is a dead cert that this is going to be office gossip, but to be honest I have done nothing wrong but why do I feel so naughty. Got so paranoid about the situation, I said to my colleagues that there was nothing going on but they didn’t look like the bought it. They probably thought it was a case of ‘thus protests too much’.  I did not kiss him or even sleep with him but I know what people are going to insinuate about our relationship based on what they saw. It was totally one-sided on his part.

My personal life has always been that – personal but now I am hating the fact that I am going to seen as that girl that is having a dalliance with a soon to be divorced 40 something year old man. Dreading going into work in the morning. I don’t usually give a shit what people think but because I have heard people talking about other people’s affairs, it is so not nice to now be the subject of those watercooler moments.  Any advice would be appreciated!!

December 13, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Romance, Work | 4 Comments

Is it love or lust at first sight?

couple1.jpg I am always very suspicious of people when they say ‘oohh I saw him/her and it was love at first sight’, don’t buy it. Maybe it is because I have never felt that. I mean how do you know you love someone that you have never spoken to? Let’s say you look across a crowded room and see your idea of heaven, they may have the looks of an angel but have the personality of a plank of wood.

Now lust is a more plausible explanation because that initial reaction you get when you see someone you think is special is not ‘oh I think this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with’ but it is more like ‘I really want to see what it is like to kiss this person’ or even more honest ‘I really want to get hot and sweaty with this person’. Women tend to use the love at first sight thing more than men and my theory is women rarely publicly express their lustful intentions because that is not considered very ladylike. Despite major progress in today’s society, for women there is still a long way to go for us to express our sexuality without being judged as it is still the case of a promiscious woman being labelled a tart while a promisicious male is considered a stud. So therefore it comes as no surprise that us women go gooey eyed over a man and then bandy the L word about because it is safer as we will not be judged.

Reason for this topic is because I have had this thing for a guy that I work with, he is totally not my type but there is something about him that does something to me. My days could easily be spent just starring at him, he is soooo beautiful to look at 🙂 My colleague has clocked unto the fact that I seem to have a thing for him, and I gushed ‘I think I am in love’. Thinking about it I know that I absolutely do not love him but I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘I would like to snog the pants of him- at least for a start’. Why didn’t I just say that? Well because it is not the done thing to do is it?

December 11, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Romance | 5 Comments

What is it with bad boys?

biker.jpg When asked what they look for in a man, most women say a guy who is kind, funny, caring, considerate, interesting blah blah blah. However if that guy comes along he his hastily dismissed as boring. Instead the allure of the bad boy is somewhat irresistible, when I say bad boy I am not talking about the kind of guy who shows his love by giving you a smack in the mouth. No I am talking about the guy who is unbelievably unreliable, they type that turns up two hours late to meet you with a half hearted attempt at an apology, or thinks his idea of being romantic is smacking you on the arse and shagging you senseless. Or showing he cares by losing his mind if he sees you talking to someone else. 

For a short period of time being with a bad boy is fun and exciting, almost intoxicating however that gets tired very quickly because everything that turned you on about him is the same thing that soon causes you a headache. You’re arguments that used to result in mind blowing sex now results in tears and frantic calls to friends. I should know as I have been on the receiving end of those phonecalls and have made one or two myself 🙂

Although I think that the bad boy appeal might be an age thing because the older I get, I actually start appreciating the ‘boring’ guy. Nothing compares to knowing that your Mr Man is dependable or sensible but with a tiny bit of an edge 😉 Out of curiosity if you are reading this are you a bad boy/girl or Mr/Mrs Dependable?

December 10, 2006 Posted by | Blogroll, Uncategorized | 6 Comments