Eat you heart out Oprah!!

 After a very good tete-a-tete with myself, I have decided that tomorrow will officially be the first day of a new healthy, fit…and slim me. I am determined to shift these extra pesky stones, as I have been flapping around moaning about it for a while but now I am going to do something about it. Time does pass quickly so I don’t see why I can’t do it by the end of March 2007. Nothing is going to stop me!! Unfortunately I have been sucked into the never ending vortex of body fascism and I have no one else to blame but myself. I wish I didn’t care that I am unable to find clothes that look half-way decent and fits, but I do care. Above all I know that I feel uncomfortable in my skin, rather than stunt dive whenever I think I might catch a reflection of my fat arse in the mirror. Yep, now i am going to do something about it. Although I am making it sound simpler than it will be, especially as we are now fast approaching the season of goodwill and gluttony to all men…How am I going to cope with those nights of drinks, dinners and endless buffets?

Borat – I like, is nice..

 Just went to see Borat – absolutely loved it!! It made me chuckle like an immature child (which I guess I am in many ways). It really cheered me up endlessly as it made fun off everybody and everything. It is ridiculous that the film has been criticised for the portrayal of certain people. It is a comedy – darn it!! However I strongly believe that an intelligent person can watch a film like that and laugh about it without coming out and thinking it is a true reflection of an entire country. After watching the film, I did not immediately think that all the male citizens of Kazakstan had incestous relationships with their sisters or the favourite recreational activity there was ping-pong and rape. I took it for what it was and that was just a silly comedy. I really recommend people with a somewhat silly sense of humour to go see it.

Fat, Female and French!

Panic has set in!! Got on my scales and I am 13 and a half stone!!!!! C’est tragic!!!  I can’t go to France a fat bird.  The home of style, elegance, romance and ironically fine food and wine does not do fat women.  It is not the done thing to be fat, female and French!!!

Okay I might be being slightly dramatic and neurotic here and I am sure that there are lots of fat people in France but I am sure it is very much frowned upon.  I have less than 5 months to lose at least 3stone. This is going to be one hell of a challenge as for a self confessed foodie. There is no way I am setting foot in France with a double chin, bowling ball stomach and a fat arse. No way Jose, can’t let that happen. 

There are various ways that I can do this, but damn it they all require will power, with the exception of gastric bypass surgery.  Hmmm gastric bypass surgery – this one is too expensive, too evasive and from what I understand, I am not fat enough (Thank God).  I could do the Atkins diet but am I desperate enough to do a diet that actually killed its’ founder? Maybe not.  Meal replacement is another option, shakes and soups, 3 times-a-day for 4 months and I will be guaranteed at least a 4stone loss. This one I know works but hair loss, food deprivation, constipation and peeing like an elephant every 15mins does not really appeal to me again.

So I have one last option and that is to do it the good old-fashioned way with diet and plenty of exercise.  Bugger!!!

Possibly the worst friend in the world.

 What an awful, awful human being I am.  Had a lunch date with a friend of mine (who I adore dearly), went into the supermarket to grab some lunch and got to the checkout. After ringing up her shopping – the checkout assistant  left her with a parting shot that would leave any woman mortified. As he peered in her bag he said ‘enjoy your lunch… for two’ this indicating that she obviously bought enough goodies to feed a family of two… okay there are insensitive bastards every corner you turn but I laughed. I not only laughed, I laughed hard, I laughed as though i was in a lift stuck with every comedian on the planet. What was i thinking as an overweight girl myself this is the sort of random act of humiliation that sends even the most secure individual into a dark spiral of hurt, dismay and self loathing and I laughed..

What was i thinking? What sort of person does that make me? I laugh at the most inappropriate times and this was one of those times. How could I do that to someone who means a great deal to me? In my defence I laugh when things are uncomfortable.

The other day my dragon of a boss was being a total condescending twat to a colleague of mine and I giggled like an idiot. This was a humiliating experience and I laughed. I was embarrassed for my colleague because I could sense that he was squirming in his boxers but I laughed. I laughed because I had a history of making fun of our boss with this colleague for exactly this behaviour. However this time my colleague could not share in this joke because he was on the receiving end. I think my colleague understood that my laughing was not at him but at the situation (I hope).

Anyway back to my friend, spent the rest of the day grovelling to her and hoping that she knows that I was not laughing at her, because I definitely wasn’t!! She was so sweet about it but I know that she was hurt by the comment and probably hurt by my lack of support. How rubbish am I? How does someone make amends for this faux pas?

I’m a celebrity get me out of here!!

I am sitting at my desk, bored senseless and enjoying it. My colleagues have gone off to various meetings and I am left on my own to partake in my favourite pastime at work – surfing the net aimlessly and dreaming of ways to escape this dreary situation. To tell the truth I am not on my own, in fact I am stuck with a lovely little 50 something year old lady called Betty*. 

Betty is the sort of woman that you love and hate in equal measure, she is what you call old school, who has clearly not and has no intention of embracing the 21^st century. She lives in a virtual time that political correctness forgot, in between her rants about the influx of immigrants, who come over and take ‘our’ jobs (I guess she is referring to those jobs that we are killing ourselves to do like cleaning office buildings at 6am and washing public lavatories), she makes tea and descales the office kettle. Love her!!     Sometimes the highlight of my day is the battles I have with Betty, where I am proud to say I always emerge triumphant. Previous battles include whether I should open a packet of Green Tea, when there was still Camomile available, – this might seem petty to some but not for Betty. At this present time Betty is narrating one of her many stories of woe, and it would be quite obvious to anyone else that I am not listening, but like a trooper she keeps going on and on, totally undeterred by my lack of interest. However I am getting really good at nodding, expressing shock, laughing, ‘hmmmming’, displaying utter disbelief and saying ‘really….’ at the right places.   

Anyway I can sit here with a glimmer of hope because in less than five months – off to France I go. I shall be leaving job security, familiarity, and the humdrum of a 9 to 5 job for a life of uncertainty, adventure, constant cash  flow problems/unemployment, and language barrier issues and boy can’t wait!!!!

My Daughter is a Lesbian!!!

I have never been so humiliated in my life. What is with mothers? Do they give birth to you just to break you down, and crush your spirits then sit back and observe whether you can piece yourself back together like the frigging ‘Terminator’.  

To cut the long and painful story shortish – I arrived as arranged in her home to find a strange male sitting there. Did not think much of it but just carried on making small talk with her and using the computer, and then ended up making small talk with this guy. Soon I came to realise that while I was talking to this strange male, my mother was nowhere to be found. This was a set up!!! I was horrified, even more so when this man asked me what I liked doing in my spare time (how dull), which eventually led to him asking me to the see a film with him. Some people might think this does not sound too bad, and there are worse things that could happen.   However for me this is as awful as it can get.

I have been put in a situation where I can’t say no and now have an obligation to go out this guy when I don’t want to. What makes this even more frustrating is that my mother has done something like this before and I have told her in no uncertain terms that I hate being set up and I appreciate it thanks but no thanks.  What really pisses me off is the lack of respect for my wishes- she ignores what I say and want and does what the hell she feels like-this is a no-no when it comes to my life.  Typically of her, when confronted she denies that this was a set up but I know her like the back of my hand-she planned this!!!    However my main anger comes from the fact that at 27 she thinks that I am now a desperate case. What century is she living in, just because my sister got married when she was barely past the foetal stage does not mean I have to follow suit. After a heated discussion with her she takes the opportunity to question my sexuality, because in her book at 27years old with no steady boyfriend, nor husband with a couple of kids in tow it has become apparent to her that I am a lesbian!!! Huh!!! Well if her medieval theory is correct then the lesbian population has quadrupled overnight.   

Her theory is based on the fact that she has not seen any of my boyfriends, but has seen a few of my friends so the equation in her head is:No Boyfriends + Different female friends + various girlie holidays + Weekend trips to
Amsterdam with friends = Lesbian (possible prostitute) Daughter. Eistein eat your heart out!! Now I have to find a way to get out of this ‘date’ with strange man!! Any ideas will be appreciated!!!

Television Addiction

I was asked by a colleague today, if i was a telly addict and i had to grudgingly admit that i am. At my age i should be living it large, going out, having a life-interacting with people that actually talk back, but all i want to do is sit and veg out in front of mind numbing television. I did not think i had a problem till i realised that I always left work in good time in order to get home in time to watch ‘Judge Judy’. I now know that i have a problem. Hello everybody – I am sugar007 and I am a telly addict.