You what?

 Recently I have been updating my CV and so I was looking into changing some of my more mundanr job titles  to big up myself and responsibilities and have been scanning the web for ideas. During my research I have nearly killed over with laughter at some of the stuff some people have come up with. In today’s job market a lot of employers seem to have cottoned on to the fact that rather than increase people’s salaries, they give them fancy job titles because the human ego is amazingly strokable, therefore they will feel more important even though their pay is shitty.

A survey by global headhunters Korn Ferry International has come up with some howlers. Can you guess what these job titles are because I sure as hell can’t.

Chief Cheerleader, Chief Inspiration Officer, Director of Decisions, Director of First Impressions, Process Change Manager and General Manager Reporting to the General Manager. 

I am guessing Director of First Impressions is a good old fashioned receptionist 🙂 Try this for size:

Chief acceleration officer (someone who is leading the company into the future), Chief growth officer and chief imagination officer (someone who finds new ideas for the company to pursue), Notionologist (someone who researches popular culture to help clients incorporate it into their brand identities), Web archaeologist (who excavates information from clients’ web sites) and a Resultant (basically, a business planning expert who implements recommendations).

However the cream of the crop has to be the titles given to manual workers like head of verbal telecommunications (receptionist), domestic engineer (housewife), technical sanitation assistant (toilet cleaner), food production operative (working in a food production line, or Mcdonald’s), cleaning operative (no prices for guessing this one)  but my personal favourite the optical illuminator enhancer ( window cleaner).

Please feel free to add more to  the list.

In France, when people are telling you what their company does they use the word ‘activities’  and it sounds so shady . “This enterprise has a lot of activities” and I especially love when they get a new project, they say “I have a new mission“. So when I am sitting across some guy who tells me that he can’t make his rendezvous because he has a new mission, I giggle because I think James Bond.

Do you remember when………

French and Saunders used to be funny?

This has to be the best ever sketch that they have done in my humble opinion. Totally spot on.

Especially love Dawn doing her Missy Elliot bit.

Nowt going on..

 Silence has descended upon this blog because there really is not much to write ‘home’ about.  So I shall just do a list as it is simpler and things are so humdrum, no explanation is needed as you will soon see.

The bad bits

• Feeling a tard bit lonely here at the moment, and feeling like Johnny-no-mates and no one cares blah, blah, blah
• Not too excited about my job but really don’t have a lot of options
• Smoking way too much now
• Spend wayyyyyyyyyyyy too much time on tinternet (Peter Kay fans, know that word is not a typo)
• Really worrying about the future
• My car’s exhaust is f*****

The good bits

• I have bought tickets to go somewhere nice for my summer holidays
• My car has been repaired by the nicest mechanic in the whole world, who didn’t seem to rip me off because I was a woman (I hope)
• I DO have a job and I LIKE my boss
• I have a ‘fairly’ comfortable place to live in
• I have decided to start a bookclub (an idea inspired by Princesse Ecossaise)
• Currently reading ‘The Picture of Dorian Gray’ by Oscar Wilde, and loving it!